Lately, I’ve been fixated on death, my own death specifically, which is very uncomfortable, not to mention a bit morbid. Like many people in the world, these past three years have brought more than enough death into my sphere, and that could be the reason it’s on my mind. But I also wonder, is this a mid-life crisis? And in typical Tiffany fashion, I don’t get an easy out like buying an unreasonable car or getting bangs or a tattoo, and instead, I have to make this experience deeply difficult for myself? That sounds like the asshole-ish thing I’d do to myself.
I recently thought back to being fifteen when I thought that thirty was never going to come. I know I thought that I’d probably be dead, or practically dead, by thirty, and that thought didn’t really bother me. These days at 45, I picture myself at 90 (using the same formula of doubling the number of years I’ve lived), and it never feels long enough. So I’m over here having an existential crisis about the thought, “what if I only live to be 90???” Which feels as ridiculous to me as it probably sounds to you.
This is just one way that aging is weird for me. Is it weird for you, too?
There are dozens of ways these thoughts have branched out, but the first one I want to mention is how our culture avoids death and how this is manifesting for me.
What a travesty this is. We are teaching ourselves and our future generations to fear death, to ignore death, and that death is an end to everything (something we don’t, in fact, know and many people don’t believe according to religion and spirituality numbers around the world.) So, here is a thing I keep telling myself regularly, even though I hate hearing it:
I am going to die. Probably not today (🤞🏼), but it is inevitable that this body will fail me at some point.
And then, I try to approach that moment with curiosity instead of fear. I wonder:
- What do I believe could come next?
- What do I know for sure based on my experiences with the death of others?
- What magic do I think is possible?
- How do I think life and death can and will change in the next decade? Before the end of my life?
- What does it look like to die suddenly?
- What does it look like if it’s drawn out?
It’s distressing as hell. And yet, also calming. I know I cannot avoid death. None of us can. And so, once in a while, looking it directly in the eye lets me consider my options of how I might feel when it comes for me. And somehow, that makes me feel better about living.